Denny’s isn’t just marketing to Grandpa anymore. Some absolute genius in the corporate offices has finally understood the true demographic that frequents its establishment before the sun comes up: drunks and stoners.
Anyone who’s ever had a long night of partying knows a plate of greasy breakfast goodness fixes everything, save a potential waistline expansion. Too drunk to make it home? Got stupid baked while watching Harold and Kumar and there’s no White Castle in your state (or it just takes too much effort to get there)? Stumble into a 24-hour Denny’s and feast on the delicious and potentially coronary-inducing Allnighter menu.
Baked unicorn isn’t on the Allnighter menu, much to Wade’s dismay.
Maybe it was Finn, the text messaging leprechaun, or Steve, the unicorn with the droopy eyelids. Dinosaur Wade might have tipped me off, but something about Denny’s new commercials scream “stoners welcome—and encouraged!—to cure their munchies here.”
The whole thing is friggin’ brilliant. Denny’s finally seems to be understanding and embracing its most loyal customers.
Take, for example, the Denny’s Allnighter site motto: “Feeding bands and music fans since 1953.” Everyone knows us music fans are a much-stereotyped degenerate portion of the population. And potheads. And binge drinkers.
(Dang, I’m craving some Denny’s right now.)
If that wasn’t enough to prove the true nature of Denny’s new business plan, popular rock bands are getting in on the action to attract the kiddies. May as well entice them young to build life-long addicts—er—a loyal customer base.
Some of the new items added to the menu would completely confuse and nauseate the blue-haired breakfast set, but fall right into the preferred diet of hungover boys with guyliner.
You just try and convince us that unicorn isn’t stoned.
Slay late-night cravings with Hoobastank’s Hooburrito or a Plain White Shake created by the Plain White T’s. For those suffering a snack attack there’s the Taking Back Bacon Burger Fries created by Taking Back Sunday. I’m talking smothered French fries with cheese, hamburger meat, pickles, bacon, tomatoes, onions, mustard and ketchup. And what about a side of Potachos: fried kettle chips, sausage, bacon, tomatoes, peppers, onions and enough cheese to keep the dairy industry in business for a century.
Mmmm, mmmm, heart failure and a fatter ass.
Speaking of music, Steve the unicorn’s favorite groups include Phish, Cyprus Hill and The Grateful Dead. Yeaaah…
And there’s hope for lesser-known bands vanning across the country. Denny’s Allnighter Web site visitors can vote to adopt a band to eat free at the restaurant for the duration of their tour. Suh-weet.
So who’s down for a 12-pack of Pancake Puppies and some Visine at 2 a.m.? Steve?
(Originally published at LasVegasWeekly.com)